Found this on one of my schoolmates' friends' blog and thought of sharing it with you.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
When you say "I am so blessed" or "It was such a blessing" ...consider this.
Found this on one of my schoolmates' friends' blog and thought of sharing it with you.
Friday, February 11, 2011
He's strong when I'm weak.
Elijah was a unique man but no different than all of us. God used him in a big way but Elijah still had ups and downs, he feared and was insecure.
Elijah experienced victory; he prayer, God answered, people responded! He showed people who God really is and that He's the one they should be worshipping!
Right after that, he got a threat from Jezebel, king Ahab's wife, and got scared. He ran away and when he was full of emotions, fear, when he was tired, God took care of him. He sent an angel to touch him, wake him up and feed him. That food was enough for him to live on for 40 days and nights.
When Elijah was weak, he depended on God and that was a perfect way for God to show him how strong He is.
When I was at home during the break, I struggled with feeling responsible to take care of my mom. I felt like I wasn't suppose to leave home, not even for an hour, because that would mean my mom would have an opportunity to say yes to the temptations and weaknesses she has and if she would say yes to them, I would feel guilty for not staying at home, protecting her from all of those things. I put a lot of burden on myself and so many times I felt like a parent to her instead the other way around.
Trying to protect my mom was so hard for me that I fell into a depression because I knew I can't save her but I felt guilty for not saving her, if that makes sense. I shared my struggles with one of the missionary ladies from my church and it was amazing that God »told me« to share those things with her; she went through very similar things when she was younger. She was a real blessing to me, trying to help me and tell me that it's not up to me to save my mom, that Jesus is the only one that can do that. It's so funny that I knew all of the things she was telling me but I still didn't surrender my mom, I didn't offer her on the altar and ask Jesus to save her. I did pray and I asked Jesus to save her but I had to surrender myself to Him as well and admit that I can't have things under control, that I can't save my mom, that I can't say »no« to her temptations instead of her.
At the end of the break, maybe a week before I came back to College, I was sitting in my room, trying to pray (it was really hard for me to pray about my mom and her situation because that made me think about it and I didn't really want to do that) and at one point I got it. I realized that I can't always be listening carefully to hear if my mom will open herself a bottle of wine, I can't always be listening to hear her going on the balcony to secretly smoke when we all know she does that, I can't always be listening and be ready to stop her + help her not to do things because it's up to her and I'm not her saviour! She's not 5 years old and she's not my child; she's my mom and she's 56 years old. She's old enough to decide for herself and the only thing I can do for not being imprisoned with her is to pray for her and ask God to show me or tell me if I can do anything else. But otherwise, it's not my burden, it's not my responsibility. That doesn't mean I don't care for my mom, that I don't love her… it hurts so bad and I would do anything for my family to get saved! But I'm not the one who's going to save them, Jesus is!
Elijah prayed to God, told Him he's tired and he showed his weakness. He gave an opportunity to God to show him His strenght.
When I gave up on being my mom's guardian and savior, when I surrended myself and my mom to God, that's when God put peace in my heart and was my comfort. I know He's my mom's Savior, I know He's still waiting for her to choose Him, He promised that to me. And even though He didn't show His strenght in saving her yet, I know He has His own perfect timing and He's going to do it. I just pray my mom's heart would be open, soft and willing to trust the Lord because He really is the only one that can help her.
Elijah experienced victory; he prayer, God answered, people responded! He showed people who God really is and that He's the one they should be worshipping!
Right after that, he got a threat from Jezebel, king Ahab's wife, and got scared. He ran away and when he was full of emotions, fear, when he was tired, God took care of him. He sent an angel to touch him, wake him up and feed him. That food was enough for him to live on for 40 days and nights.
When Elijah was weak, he depended on God and that was a perfect way for God to show him how strong He is.
When I was at home during the break, I struggled with feeling responsible to take care of my mom. I felt like I wasn't suppose to leave home, not even for an hour, because that would mean my mom would have an opportunity to say yes to the temptations and weaknesses she has and if she would say yes to them, I would feel guilty for not staying at home, protecting her from all of those things. I put a lot of burden on myself and so many times I felt like a parent to her instead the other way around.
Trying to protect my mom was so hard for me that I fell into a depression because I knew I can't save her but I felt guilty for not saving her, if that makes sense. I shared my struggles with one of the missionary ladies from my church and it was amazing that God »told me« to share those things with her; she went through very similar things when she was younger. She was a real blessing to me, trying to help me and tell me that it's not up to me to save my mom, that Jesus is the only one that can do that. It's so funny that I knew all of the things she was telling me but I still didn't surrender my mom, I didn't offer her on the altar and ask Jesus to save her. I did pray and I asked Jesus to save her but I had to surrender myself to Him as well and admit that I can't have things under control, that I can't save my mom, that I can't say »no« to her temptations instead of her.
At the end of the break, maybe a week before I came back to College, I was sitting in my room, trying to pray (it was really hard for me to pray about my mom and her situation because that made me think about it and I didn't really want to do that) and at one point I got it. I realized that I can't always be listening carefully to hear if my mom will open herself a bottle of wine, I can't always be listening to hear her going on the balcony to secretly smoke when we all know she does that, I can't always be listening and be ready to stop her + help her not to do things because it's up to her and I'm not her saviour! She's not 5 years old and she's not my child; she's my mom and she's 56 years old. She's old enough to decide for herself and the only thing I can do for not being imprisoned with her is to pray for her and ask God to show me or tell me if I can do anything else. But otherwise, it's not my burden, it's not my responsibility. That doesn't mean I don't care for my mom, that I don't love her… it hurts so bad and I would do anything for my family to get saved! But I'm not the one who's going to save them, Jesus is!
Elijah prayed to God, told Him he's tired and he showed his weakness. He gave an opportunity to God to show him His strenght.
When I gave up on being my mom's guardian and savior, when I surrended myself and my mom to God, that's when God put peace in my heart and was my comfort. I know He's my mom's Savior, I know He's still waiting for her to choose Him, He promised that to me. And even though He didn't show His strenght in saving her yet, I know He has His own perfect timing and He's going to do it. I just pray my mom's heart would be open, soft and willing to trust the Lord because He really is the only one that can help her.
Monday, February 07, 2011
The beginning
Today was the first day of classes, woohoo! I was really excited to finally start with them because of the very boring weekend. We didn't really do anything except listening to the rules and stuff which I've heard at the beginning of the last semester.
We had registration on Saturday and I chose these classes:
- Romans
- Apologetics
- Joshua
- Spanish language
- Missions leadership
- and all the other ones that we all have..
.
We had the first class of Romans this morning. Our teacher is the director of the College and he's an amazing teacher. He told us what he expects from us and it's not that bad. He did an introduction of Romans and I already love it!! Last semester he was teaching a class called Life of Paul and since Paul wrote the Epistle to Romans, he knows a lot about his life and the history of the Epistle.
My M199 class, the servanthood class, stays the same as last semester. I'll be working with Lynn with kids but this time I'll have a lot more responsibilities and more work! College has a lack of interns this semester so I'll be kind of like an intern to Lynn with Childrens ministry and teachings. At first I wasn't that excited because I wanted this semester to be different but I think God is trying to tell me that I should work with kids (I was questioning this because I wasn't sure if I really want to do that kind of ministry). Some students might think I have a huge privilege to work with Lynn and the kids (which I do!!) but I think they might think I don't really do much. I don't really care what they think but my servanthood class started today with cleaning children's toys :) I do everything Lynn asks me to do which is literally everything. I'm ok with that because the work is dynamic and I don't get bored but I just wish people here wouldn't think I don't do a lot.
God's been putting Slovenia on my heart since last August. We were at the Performing Arts camp and I had a discussion group with a bunch of girls from Velenje. They told me some pretty sad things and I couldn't stop thinking about them. I started praying about Velenje and then got an idea of making an outreach there. I can't really lead an outreach to a town where there's no church, especially no Calvary Chapel church but there is one really close - in Celje! During my Christmas break I went to Celje to Calvary Chapel church and talked to their pastor Justin who's been a student and an intern here at this College. I told him that God put Velenje on my heart and that I'd like to lead an outreach to Celje and their church because there's a lot of young people in Celje from Velenje (they go to school there). He told me they'd love to have us and that if we come for 10 days, we could do stuff in towns around Celje as well, which means we might go and do stuff in Velenje! This is very exciting because I've never been to Velenje before and I'd love to go!
When I got to College, I talked to Lisa, the lady who takes care of mission trips, and she said she has to get an approval from the pastors but there's a good chance I might organize + lead an outreach to Celje this semester! :)
I think my relationship with God got better since I arrived back to Hungary.. partly because of the Christian bubble we're in, partly because we're always a part of worshipping God, talking about Him and learning about Him. It doesn't really matter what you do here, it's all about God and that's what I love the most about Bible College.
We've all been feeling pretty tired, we're not sure why, and I've had a feeling for 2 days now that I'm getting the flu again because of the pain in my body. I'm trying to rest more and go for short walks to get some fresh air. I really don't want to get sick so that would be one of my prayer requests; that my immune system would be strong enough to go through this and keep me healthy.
I'm really thankful to be back at College. It's such a huge privilege and I still sometimes wonder how did I deserve to be called here.
God is amazing and graceful.
We had registration on Saturday and I chose these classes:
- Romans
- Apologetics
- Joshua
- Spanish language
- Missions leadership
- and all the other ones that we all have..
.
We had the first class of Romans this morning. Our teacher is the director of the College and he's an amazing teacher. He told us what he expects from us and it's not that bad. He did an introduction of Romans and I already love it!! Last semester he was teaching a class called Life of Paul and since Paul wrote the Epistle to Romans, he knows a lot about his life and the history of the Epistle.
My M199 class, the servanthood class, stays the same as last semester. I'll be working with Lynn with kids but this time I'll have a lot more responsibilities and more work! College has a lack of interns this semester so I'll be kind of like an intern to Lynn with Childrens ministry and teachings. At first I wasn't that excited because I wanted this semester to be different but I think God is trying to tell me that I should work with kids (I was questioning this because I wasn't sure if I really want to do that kind of ministry). Some students might think I have a huge privilege to work with Lynn and the kids (which I do!!) but I think they might think I don't really do much. I don't really care what they think but my servanthood class started today with cleaning children's toys :) I do everything Lynn asks me to do which is literally everything. I'm ok with that because the work is dynamic and I don't get bored but I just wish people here wouldn't think I don't do a lot.
God's been putting Slovenia on my heart since last August. We were at the Performing Arts camp and I had a discussion group with a bunch of girls from Velenje. They told me some pretty sad things and I couldn't stop thinking about them. I started praying about Velenje and then got an idea of making an outreach there. I can't really lead an outreach to a town where there's no church, especially no Calvary Chapel church but there is one really close - in Celje! During my Christmas break I went to Celje to Calvary Chapel church and talked to their pastor Justin who's been a student and an intern here at this College. I told him that God put Velenje on my heart and that I'd like to lead an outreach to Celje and their church because there's a lot of young people in Celje from Velenje (they go to school there). He told me they'd love to have us and that if we come for 10 days, we could do stuff in towns around Celje as well, which means we might go and do stuff in Velenje! This is very exciting because I've never been to Velenje before and I'd love to go!
When I got to College, I talked to Lisa, the lady who takes care of mission trips, and she said she has to get an approval from the pastors but there's a good chance I might organize + lead an outreach to Celje this semester! :)
I think my relationship with God got better since I arrived back to Hungary.. partly because of the Christian bubble we're in, partly because we're always a part of worshipping God, talking about Him and learning about Him. It doesn't really matter what you do here, it's all about God and that's what I love the most about Bible College.
We've all been feeling pretty tired, we're not sure why, and I've had a feeling for 2 days now that I'm getting the flu again because of the pain in my body. I'm trying to rest more and go for short walks to get some fresh air. I really don't want to get sick so that would be one of my prayer requests; that my immune system would be strong enough to go through this and keep me healthy.
I'm really thankful to be back at College. It's such a huge privilege and I still sometimes wonder how did I deserve to be called here.
God is amazing and graceful.
Friday, February 04, 2011
First day back
I'm back at the College!
It's nice to be back, it seems like it's been forever since my last time here but it's only been a month and a half.
People are slowly arriving, it's nice to see familiar faces and good friends again.
At the end of the 1st semester everyone said every semester is different and right now I know what they meant.
People are mostly the same but girls are staying on a different floor this semester + we have different roommates and different rooms. I'm staying in a room for 12 people but there's only 6 of us staying there which means I get to have 2 closets for myself :) that's a huge priviledge and it's amazing because I have so many things with me :)
My room is gonna be super fun because of the girls staying in it. We got a new student from Columbia that's in my room and she's gonna help me with my Spanish :) she's a funny lady, a bit older than us.
đI'll try and update my blog more this semester to let you know what's been going on and what's God doing in my life.
Thank you for all your prayers!
It's nice to be back, it seems like it's been forever since my last time here but it's only been a month and a half.
People are slowly arriving, it's nice to see familiar faces and good friends again.
At the end of the 1st semester everyone said every semester is different and right now I know what they meant.
People are mostly the same but girls are staying on a different floor this semester + we have different roommates and different rooms. I'm staying in a room for 12 people but there's only 6 of us staying there which means I get to have 2 closets for myself :) that's a huge priviledge and it's amazing because I have so many things with me :)
My room is gonna be super fun because of the girls staying in it. We got a new student from Columbia that's in my room and she's gonna help me with my Spanish :) she's a funny lady, a bit older than us.
đI'll try and update my blog more this semester to let you know what's been going on and what's God doing in my life.
Thank you for all your prayers!
Saturday, January 29, 2011
January
There's a TV show called One Tree Hill that I've been watching for several years now. I love it; it's real, emotional, scary at moments… it's one of the best TV shows I've ever seen.
I started watching the 1. season again where everyone is still 16 years old, in High School, doing stupid things. There's one girl, Haley, that I really like. She is always being herself and she's ok with it.
It brough me thinking of myself when I was 16. I was depressed, covered in darkness, not being able to see the light and the bright future ahead of me.
If I could go back, I would change things. I would change me.
But here I am, 22 years old, a Christian, but still depressed. Not always and not in the same way, but I'm still not doing anything with my life. Yes, I leave for College in just a few days and my life rythym will change. I'll be busy and that will help me with my emotions but I remember having a routine when I was 16 and I still have it, I still live it. How do I move on? On some parts of my life, I did. The biggest one was that I accepted God and became a Christian. Don't get me wrong, it changed me a lot. But one part of me is still right there where it was 6 years ago.
It buggs me a lot. Sometimes I think getting married will change me or… moving somewhere else. It might be true. If I go to Africa for a while, that'd be a huge change and I bet I won't have the same routine anymore. But I'll find another one.
I know I have to change myself. And I know I have God to help me with it because I'll never be able to do it on my own. Yet.. Sometimes it just seems like I won't make it.
Blah. January.
I started watching the 1. season again where everyone is still 16 years old, in High School, doing stupid things. There's one girl, Haley, that I really like. She is always being herself and she's ok with it.
It brough me thinking of myself when I was 16. I was depressed, covered in darkness, not being able to see the light and the bright future ahead of me.
If I could go back, I would change things. I would change me.
But here I am, 22 years old, a Christian, but still depressed. Not always and not in the same way, but I'm still not doing anything with my life. Yes, I leave for College in just a few days and my life rythym will change. I'll be busy and that will help me with my emotions but I remember having a routine when I was 16 and I still have it, I still live it. How do I move on? On some parts of my life, I did. The biggest one was that I accepted God and became a Christian. Don't get me wrong, it changed me a lot. But one part of me is still right there where it was 6 years ago.
It buggs me a lot. Sometimes I think getting married will change me or… moving somewhere else. It might be true. If I go to Africa for a while, that'd be a huge change and I bet I won't have the same routine anymore. But I'll find another one.
I know I have to change myself. And I know I have God to help me with it because I'll never be able to do it on my own. Yet.. Sometimes it just seems like I won't make it.
Blah. January.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
End of the break
8 days left before I go back to College.
I'm excited, I can't wait to go back and have a busy schedule, I miss it. I miss singing worship songs every morning and listening about Jesus every day.
I'm also scared and worried, even though I'm trying not to be. It's hard to leave home, especially because I got aware of how life can end so quickly (even though no one died).
I was checking the offered classes for this semester:
- Joshua
- Nehemiah
- Gospel of John
- Romans
- Revelation
- Apologetics
I can choose among those 6 but I have to take language study (Spanish) and Missions leadership as a Missionary training program student.
I don't want to have too much work through semester because it can easily become too stressful so I'll only choose 2 out of those 6. I'm thinking of taking Revelation and Apologetics and audit Gospel of John but I'm still not sure. I'll probably decide when I get to the school.
Do you have any advice?
It's going to be a good semester. I'm sure God will teach me a lot of things and I just hope they're not gonna be too hard for me. One of the biggest concerns is that I might get sick again because I don't trust medical people there anymore. I'm sick right now (got the flu) and I really hope + pray that the whole semester will be peaceful and healthy.
I remember August last year when I spoke to Lori about the College and future plans. I was scared and nervous because I didn't know what's going to happen after the first semester and she said my life will probably look a lot different when I get back for Christmas and that I'll know exactly what I'll do next.
She was right :)
Church helped me A LOT with money and God answered one of the prayers with that. I was wondering if I should go to the Fall 2011 semester as well (even though it's so far away) and God knows me; He knows it's hard for me to wait for things to happen so He answered really quickly. With the money that church gave me I know I'll be able to go the Fall 2011 semester as well and now I have a plan for the whole year. There are still some holes in between for summer time but I'm not worried about that at all.
I feel really blessed because of all the people who support me, help me + pray for me. Thank you so much for believing in me and standing by my side.
I'm excited, I can't wait to go back and have a busy schedule, I miss it. I miss singing worship songs every morning and listening about Jesus every day.
I'm also scared and worried, even though I'm trying not to be. It's hard to leave home, especially because I got aware of how life can end so quickly (even though no one died).
I was checking the offered classes for this semester:
- Joshua
- Nehemiah
- Gospel of John
- Romans
- Revelation
- Apologetics
I can choose among those 6 but I have to take language study (Spanish) and Missions leadership as a Missionary training program student.
I don't want to have too much work through semester because it can easily become too stressful so I'll only choose 2 out of those 6. I'm thinking of taking Revelation and Apologetics and audit Gospel of John but I'm still not sure. I'll probably decide when I get to the school.
Do you have any advice?
It's going to be a good semester. I'm sure God will teach me a lot of things and I just hope they're not gonna be too hard for me. One of the biggest concerns is that I might get sick again because I don't trust medical people there anymore. I'm sick right now (got the flu) and I really hope + pray that the whole semester will be peaceful and healthy.
I remember August last year when I spoke to Lori about the College and future plans. I was scared and nervous because I didn't know what's going to happen after the first semester and she said my life will probably look a lot different when I get back for Christmas and that I'll know exactly what I'll do next.
She was right :)
Church helped me A LOT with money and God answered one of the prayers with that. I was wondering if I should go to the Fall 2011 semester as well (even though it's so far away) and God knows me; He knows it's hard for me to wait for things to happen so He answered really quickly. With the money that church gave me I know I'll be able to go the Fall 2011 semester as well and now I have a plan for the whole year. There are still some holes in between for summer time but I'm not worried about that at all.
I feel really blessed because of all the people who support me, help me + pray for me. Thank you so much for believing in me and standing by my side.
Tuesday, January 04, 2011
Reality
Life is hard. There are so many different temptations, so many different things that can make us fall into depressions, into darkness, into bad things. We fall so quickly and we can lose hope, faith, we don't see the happy ending, we don't see anything. We're hopeless and dead inside. We fake everything and don't love ourselves.
I was like that before God saved me. I was depressed, didn't think anything or anyone was worth to live for and I was dead inside. I was waiting for my life to be done.
That's where my mom is right now. She lives in her own world where cigarettes and alcohol mean everything to her. She doesn't love herself and doesn't care if she dies.
She knows she has a problem but she thinks she's going to fix it on her own when we all know she can't do it on her own. I tried to do things on my own and didn't make it. God was the one that saved me and He is the only one that can save her.
He is my hope and I have faith. But it's really hard and my faith doesn't seem to be a lot right now.
Please pray for my mom and dad. They've gone through so much and they desperately need God to save them, to shine into their broken, lost hearts.
Please pray for my sister and me. It's one of the hardest things to watch a family member suffering and not being able to do anything because it's not our choice.. it's my mom's. She has to want to change and live.
The only thing that I can do is to pray which I am. I trust God and I know He's not gonna let me down. I know He's in control even if my mom and dad don't think so which they told me pretty clearly.
Sometimes I talk to God and I ask Him why did He put me in a family like this. I'm thankful for my mom and dad, I love them... but life is hard in this family. Nowhere is perfect but it's hard to be in a home where alcohol, fights, depressions, cheating... is present. I ask God why me. I know the answer and I'm grateful that I'll go through all of this with my family and have experiences to help other people with similar problems. I'm grateful God's going to use me in a big way and not make my life boring at all.
I just wonder how it would be living in a Christian home where your parents follow God and encourage you to do the same.
I'm not judging my parents for not doing that and I'd love to be the one who would encourage them to follow Him.
But sometimes I feel like I'm their parent and not the other way around..
I was like that before God saved me. I was depressed, didn't think anything or anyone was worth to live for and I was dead inside. I was waiting for my life to be done.
That's where my mom is right now. She lives in her own world where cigarettes and alcohol mean everything to her. She doesn't love herself and doesn't care if she dies.
She knows she has a problem but she thinks she's going to fix it on her own when we all know she can't do it on her own. I tried to do things on my own and didn't make it. God was the one that saved me and He is the only one that can save her.
He is my hope and I have faith. But it's really hard and my faith doesn't seem to be a lot right now.
Please pray for my mom and dad. They've gone through so much and they desperately need God to save them, to shine into their broken, lost hearts.
Please pray for my sister and me. It's one of the hardest things to watch a family member suffering and not being able to do anything because it's not our choice.. it's my mom's. She has to want to change and live.
The only thing that I can do is to pray which I am. I trust God and I know He's not gonna let me down. I know He's in control even if my mom and dad don't think so which they told me pretty clearly.
Sometimes I talk to God and I ask Him why did He put me in a family like this. I'm thankful for my mom and dad, I love them... but life is hard in this family. Nowhere is perfect but it's hard to be in a home where alcohol, fights, depressions, cheating... is present. I ask God why me. I know the answer and I'm grateful that I'll go through all of this with my family and have experiences to help other people with similar problems. I'm grateful God's going to use me in a big way and not make my life boring at all.
I just wonder how it would be living in a Christian home where your parents follow God and encourage you to do the same.
I'm not judging my parents for not doing that and I'd love to be the one who would encourage them to follow Him.
But sometimes I feel like I'm their parent and not the other way around..
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