January

There's a TV show called One Tree Hill that I've been watching for several years now. I love it; it's real, emotional, scary at moments… it's one of the best TV shows I've ever seen.
I started watching the 1. season again where everyone is still 16 years old, in High School, doing stupid things. There's one girl, Haley, that I really like. She is always being herself and she's ok with it.
It brough me thinking of myself when I was 16. I was depressed, covered in darkness, not being able to see the light and the bright future ahead of me.
If I could go back, I would change things. I would change me.
But here I am, 22 years old, a Christian, but still depressed. Not always and not in the same way, but I'm still not doing anything with my life. Yes, I leave for College in just a few days and my life rythym will change. I'll be busy and that will help me with my emotions but I remember having a routine when I was 16 and I still have it, I still live it. How do I move on? On some parts of my life, I did. The biggest one was that I accepted God and became a Christian. Don't get me wrong, it changed me a lot. But one part of me is still right there where it was 6 years ago.
It buggs me a lot. Sometimes I think getting married will change me or… moving somewhere else. It might be true. If I go to Africa for a while, that'd be a huge change and I bet I won't have the same routine anymore. But I'll find another one.
I know I have to change myself. And I know I have God to help me with it because I'll never be able to do it on my own. Yet.. Sometimes it just seems like I won't make it.

Blah. January.

End of the break

8 days left before I go back to College.
I'm excited, I can't wait to go back and have a busy schedule, I miss it. I miss singing worship songs every morning and listening about Jesus every day.
I'm also scared and worried, even though I'm trying not to be. It's hard to leave home, especially because I got aware of how life can end so quickly (even though no one died).

I was checking the offered classes for this semester:
- Joshua
- Nehemiah
- Gospel of John
- Romans
- Revelation
- Apologetics

I can choose among those 6 but I have to take language study (Spanish) and Missions leadership as a Missionary training program student.
I don't want to have too much work through semester because it can easily become too stressful so I'll only choose 2 out of those 6. I'm thinking of taking Revelation and Apologetics and audit Gospel of John but I'm still not sure. I'll probably decide when I get to the school.
Do you have any advice?

It's going to be a good semester. I'm sure God will teach me a lot of things and I just hope they're not gonna be too hard for me. One of the biggest concerns is that I might get sick again because I don't trust medical people there anymore. I'm sick right now (got the flu) and I really hope + pray that the whole semester will be peaceful and healthy.

I remember August last year when I spoke to Lori about the College and future plans. I was scared and nervous because I didn't know what's going to happen after the first semester and she said my life will probably look a lot different when I get back for Christmas and that I'll know exactly what I'll do next.
She was right :)
Church helped me A LOT with money and God answered one of the prayers with that. I was wondering if I should go to the Fall 2011 semester as well (even though it's so far away) and God knows me; He knows it's hard for me to wait for things to happen so He answered really quickly. With the money that church gave me I know I'll be able to go the Fall 2011 semester as well and now I have a plan for the whole year. There are still some holes in between for summer time but I'm not worried about that at all.

I feel really blessed because of all the people who support me, help me + pray for me. Thank you so much for believing in me and standing by my side.

Reality

Life is hard. There are so many different temptations, so many different things that can make us fall into depressions, into darkness, into bad things. We fall so quickly and we can lose hope, faith, we don't see the happy ending, we don't see anything. We're hopeless and dead inside. We fake everything and don't love ourselves.
I was like that before God saved me. I was depressed, didn't think anything or anyone was worth to live for and I was dead inside. I was waiting for my life to be done.
That's where my mom is right now. She lives in her own world where cigarettes and alcohol mean everything to her. She doesn't love herself and doesn't care if she dies.
She knows she has a problem but she thinks she's going to fix it on her own when we all know she can't do it on her own. I tried to do things on my own and didn't make it. God was the one that saved me and He is the only one that can save her.
He is my hope and I have faith. But it's really hard and my faith doesn't seem to be a lot right now.

Please pray for my mom and dad. They've gone through so much and they desperately need God to save them, to shine into their broken, lost hearts.
Please pray for my sister and me. It's one of the hardest things to watch a family member suffering and not being able to do anything because it's not our choice.. it's my mom's. She has to want to change and live.
The only thing that I can do is to pray which I am. I trust God and I know He's not gonna let me down. I know He's in control even if my mom and dad don't think so which they told me pretty clearly.

Sometimes I talk to God and I ask Him why did He put me in a family like this. I'm thankful for my mom and dad, I love them... but life is hard in this family. Nowhere is perfect but it's hard to be in a home where alcohol, fights, depressions, cheating... is present. I ask God why me. I know the answer and I'm grateful that I'll go through all of this with my family and have experiences to help other people with similar problems. I'm grateful God's going to use me in a big way and not make my life boring at all.
I just wonder how it would be living in a Christian home where your parents follow God and encourage you to do the same.
I'm not judging my parents for not doing that and I'd love to be the one who would encourage them to follow Him.
But sometimes I feel like I'm their parent and not the other way around..